Blech

I didn't think they could make the Bachelor boring, but my thinking is - they just did.

Mark it Zero, Curry

If I, she who is afraid of all things germy, think this is taking it too far, then it is taking it too far.  Of course you are stepping in crap and bringing it inside.  Thank you for the breaking news coverage, Geniuses at Today.  Can we go back to the scintillating story on Richard Hatch's tax status, please? 

Fw: There is no record of that,

The question texted to chacha: has a prisoner ever been stabbed with a poop shiv? The answer was worth an hour of laughs, but I say the juxtaposition of the the immediately proceding ad is where it's at.

I really want access to their ridiculous question pot.
------ SMS Text ------
From:
Sent: Aug 8, 2009 00:05
Subject: There is no record of that,

There is no record of that, but prisoners have been shot with a dart made from a Frito's bag and dipped in fecal matter.
*Back2School Shoes? Txt PAYLESS
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

All I want for my birthday is one dead left front tooth bleaching

Generally I'm one of those people who thinks their berfday should be the best day ever and don't bother taking people's crap when the day arrives. Of course then there is the inevitable p.p.d. (post party depression) which I don't deal with so well. Anywho, this year for my birthday I am in an incredibly good mood because b.b.e. (best boyfriend ever) gave me exactly what I wanted, a gift to last a lifetime (or at least a diet coke free decade?) One Dead Left Front Tooth Bleaching. I found the best dentist ever, she's awesome. And am mid process, but already I would willingly smile again for the cameras. Today was my third round, and on the way there I had to do some serious not-shit-taking, while the un-dude sitting on the subway next to me went to town on the innards of his nostrils. Come on un-dude! It's my birthday! In the end, I let him enjoy. Everyone should have a good day today! And since G's gift is the kind that keeps giving, every day hence forth! (Hopefully this will aleviate the p.p.d.) Just don't touch anything on the subway ever again.

Sharkiness

Check out these sharkweek cupcakes.

I don't know what to make of...

The contents of this box. What inannimate object could be so racist??
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Slowest News Day Ever

I suspected the world had come to a stand-still when they let Erin Burnett back on the famed first hour of Today (who is very lucky people want to stare at more than her charisma), but when they hit the popularity dive of Crocs in the first 17 minutes, I started to worry it would be a v boring day.  Lo and behold, it was, confirmed when THIS made People's Headlines.  Fortunately I've got two days of Gilmore Girls taped and a Burn Notice waiting for me back at the pad to help give this sucker some kick.

The Opposite of Swollen Menengis

We just had an emergency meeting to learn that a coworker has menengitis.  Meanwhile, no sterilization has taken place, so I'm playing by my own rules, and reading The Onion online until it's time to go home.  Onion, as it turns out, isn't just a cure for vampirism, but also a cure to psyching yourself out when you realize you are a sitting duck in a cesspool of coworkers' goo.  Exhibit A.

 

I feel sooooo much better now.

Ed Swed

Loving the Bachelorette this much can't be good for me.  Or Ed.  My take-aways from Monday's epi were...

 

Things Modern Medicine can recitify for Ed: Ed being ED.

 

Things Modern Medicine can't recify for Ed: That Caesar 'do. 

 

Things I don't want Modern Medicine to rectify for Ed:  His Chicago accent and his father's Bears fandom.

 

All I can think about is who is she going to pick and how will I ever wait for the next Bachelorette!?!  It is affecting my work quality.  (That and some of the people I work with.  And what I do.)

Tourists in our own city

Visiting the ever famous and historic Drumgoole plaza.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

One of my best friends.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Fwd: Confirmation from Hell

I get these email confirmations about once every three months.  I'm sorry to see my doppelganger down under has cyliacs, and am wondering if this is another sign of the impending apocalypse.  Regardless, it makes me think of a bumper sticker (maybe I'm quoting for the second time on this blog) that Matt once quoted to me - In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned. 

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: <confirmation@hell.co.nz>
Date: Fri, Jun 26, 2009 at 2:34 AM
Subject: Confirmation from Hell
To: @gmail.com


Greetings,

HELL is pleased to confirm your order, and the fact that it has aided your descent into eternal damnation. You'll be enjoying a devilishly good pizza at around 7:02 PM.
Our minions want to make sure they've got the address and your order right.

Order #349518
Order placed: 26/06/09 18:34

Delivery Details:

Phone No:0211562821
Estimated Delivery time: 7:02 PM
My Address
35 Wrantage Street
Westown
New Plymouth
New Zealand

Note:

YOUR ORDER:

1 x Double Gluttony
Double Gluten Free Base
2 x Cajun Wedges
Garlic Mayo Dip x 4
1 x Double Mischief
Chilli * * *, Double Gluten Free Base
1 x Double Lust
Add Double Gluten Free Base, Smokey BBQ Sauce, Sweet Chilli Sauce

Delivery Fee $7.00

------------------
Total Items: 5
Total Price: $71.10
------------------

Payment expected by Cash

Please do not respond to this e-mail as the store will not check e-mails.
To change anything on your order you must call the store on 06 759 0666.

New Plymouth
38 Leach St (Next to Steak House)
GST Number # 92-128-134

See you in HELL!
www.hell.co.nz

Emmy nod

The only thing more impossible for me to wrap my mind around this morning than the things New Coworkers revealed to me drunkenly last night was... (wait for it) Meredith interviewing Cory Feldman about MJ's death within the first 15 minutes of Today this am.  As Oskar Schell would say, "What the?" 

 

It was truly magical.  Meredith's ability to remain calm and straight-faced when she saw his vest absolutely entitle her to some sort of Emmy, eh, perhaps a Pulitzer or two. 

Catch up

I know, I know, I have a lot of catching up to do. I've kicked it up a notch and started temping for the past few weeks, which truly leaves little time for sighs of any kind. Well, except for the sad, wheel-spinning type of sighs. Those are plentiful! So here are a bunch of the good kind, all saved up.

1. The Duel 2 on MTV - the intro to this show is so inexplicably absurd. It brings tears of shame to my eyes every time I see it, then more shame sinks in when I haven't blogged about it yet. I am equally frustrated that none of these people have jobs or pride or personal restraint. Plus, I don't want to watch Brad without Randy. Tori is no Randy.
2. The Bachelorette is awesome. Why does everyone hate Juan? I hate David. He's a psycho, and oddly obsessed with Juan. Jillian is incredibly likable, except what's with the ballgowns when the producers clearly called for biz casjsg?
3. I am so sorry to anyone I have scoffed at for recommending Real Housewives of New Jersey. It should be called Why Nostradamus Was Right, or Real Mafia Wives, or Women with no Sense of Irony. Or Non-Existant Foreheads and the Things You Never Would Have Considered a Cosmetic Solution to Them. Watch this!!!!
4. Read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. Not just because Rory likes him, but I'm just sayin'!
   

Stay tuned for when Burn Notice and Weeds come back (in order of awesomeness.)

Digga Digga Digga Doom Doom, Etc.

Hm, so in a quest to answer that gnawing "what the eff is twitter" question, as well as to see DAg's "Cheese makes me sleepy" tweet with my own two, I signed up for an account this week. Just in time, too, as this week lots of Twitterphernalia came across my consciousness.

First, Aziz, the almost but not really famous guy from Parks and Rec (who formerly was my favorite) decided to use his almost but not real fame to blast movie theatres for their screen standards and related costs through Twitter. Blah. This brought me to the realization that if I were almost but not really famous, I'd save it all up and use it to, you know, go on vacation or something peacable like that. Would I bring Twitter into it? Yeah, I'd probably use it to brag about the margs I was drinking to rehydrate my skin from all that sun and seawater.

After that hullabaloo, I started temping, wasting away my days online and answering phones. In an attempt to make solid use of time betwixt calls, I started my research. I got an account, started following Shaq, and waited for an aha moment re: what the eff is going on. I still haven't gotten there, but here are some realizations:

1. Really nobody is using Twitter other than Shaq and people on couches and people making fun of Shaq and people on couches.
2. Shaq is hilarious.
3. Finally I agree with Kanye on something. Caplocks are loud! (He blogged about how he doesn't Twitter, using all caps so that we would know he was shouting, then pointing out that the caps meant he was shouting.)
4. Finally, I learned that Shaq loves onomatopoeia!

(Drumroll) Digga digga digga doom doom I am going home now! (And not tweeting about it.)

Jealous?

Check out what the best boyfriend ever gave his lady friend.

(In case you can't tell it's a charm in the shape of Iowa with a star on Burlington.)

Apt appt.

Q: How will G know when it's time to go to his dentist appointment today?
A: When it's 2:30.

Arre! Books!

R squared and I saw and smelled this guy in full ancient pirate regalia at The Strand last night. So what, when they aren't stealing bullion and food aid, they are busy getting a steal on literature? I would have had pirates pegged for the not-returning-library-books type.

Huh

I just found my dad's college yearbook from 1961, and this photo and caption in the college of education section. Not sure if it is legible, but it says "Maybe I'll just get married." can you imagine that being a caption now? Other than ironically in the college of women's studies section? Which would be awesome.

Ted man

Whenever one sneezes, Teddy attacks them. I got a photo of an occurance mid attack.

My New Favorite Word

Thank you to my lovely oldest niece for reminding me how much I love the word "whore." If ever I am in a bad mood, please call someone I know a whore, and all will be well again. Well, I will probably still be sick of someone's shoot, (as will you, most likely) but I will not be quite so intensely focused on my rage or tears of sadness/annoyance.

Speaking of whores, here are a few of my favorite whores today:

1. Anna Nardini from seasons 6 & 7 of Gilmore Girls. God, she's such a whore.

2. Me - I'm such a whore for the library ever since I moved four blocks from one! I accidentally checked out two more books today, putting me at having five library books in my possession, which we all know I won't finish. I'm such a whore (for swiping that card.) Incidentally, I think libraries are going to experience a real renaissance this year, so go renew that card.

3. Meringue. It's so hard! And elusive! F, stupid meringue, the stupid whore.

Yeah, I guess that's about it for today. Stay tuned for future whore proclamations.

i just want to dance

Not sure if this picture will show up, but I definitely just noticed it the second Lee Greenwood's Proud to be an American came on the jukebox. Fortunately for everyone at Ryan's Daughter, that song only makes me want to synchronize my swimming maneuvers with other swimmers.

Oh no

Earlier this week I developed a very unhealthy addiction to Crumbs Bake Shop cupcakes. They are very indulgent, especially when you are bored and slightly unnerved by your own not working. In an effort to ween myself off these cupcakes, I just found myself buying a bag of Milky Way Minis, making them the methadone to my cupcake smack. F.

Unexpected Findings

I was cleaning out my box-o-papers, which sadly included credit card statements from the year 2000, and most unexpectedly found laffy taffy wrappers that had been stuck in the bottom of a folder since at least 1997. Laffy Taffy wrappers, I'm sure you recall, have the world's worst jokes on the inside. Alas! Unless, you realized the one thing that would make them funny, as me and my fellow back porch enthusiasts thought we had. In our case, the key was to add "in bed with Bad Strumer" (let's call him) to the question and/or answer. Here are some examples:

Q: Why didn't the shark eat the woman in bed with Bad Strumer?
A: Because it was a man eating shark in bed with Bad Strumer.

Q: Who is safe from a man-eating shark in bed with Bad Strumer?
A: Women and Children in bed with Bad Strumer.

Q: Why did the stop light turn as red as Bad Strumer?
A: So would you if you had to change in the middle of the street in bed with Bad Srumer.

See what's happening here? Or should I say- guess you had to be there?

Other Things

In addition to the most recent post, I would like to highlight some other things of which I have recently revised my opinion. Perhaps this is significant of hope, or really just a lesson in forming opinions until you have given something a chance. Or, in reality, likely just very telling about what a person comes to when unemployed for nearly six months.

1. Short stories. The first thing I have reconsidered upon further reading is short stories. They are great, you should read some. Don't skip them in the New Yorker, and keep a book of them next to your bed. You won't be sorry.

2. Characters on Gilmore Girls. After watching all the seasons in a row, I am reforming my opinion on the following: Dean is no longer good enough for Rory, Logan Huntsberger now is. Christopher is now a loser, Luke no longer is. Lorelai rules, but Emily rules more. Lorelai should be nicer to Emily because she is just as judgmental of Rory as Emily is of her.

3. Monster.com. Three of the four job interviews I have had since my unemployment happened because I posted my resume on Monster. Nobody ever tells you to post your resume on Monster (other than Monster) but I guess it kind of works. It will especially work if I get one of those jobs.

4. Pole dancing. Mmm Hm. It turns out if you leave your clothes on it's not just for sluts. It's a good work out and fun and requires skill - 'er practice. I had rehearsed my Emily Gilmore response to pole dancing for weeks before doing it at a bachelorette party, all in vain.

5. Christian Slater's acting ability. He is kind of good in The Contender, in which the character he played wasn't 'Christian Slater in Gleaming the Cube.'

6. Stuff. I don't really want so much stuff anymore. It's hard to get rid of, but I am becoming very aware of how truly close I am to becoming an actual hoarder. I refuse to become an actual hoarder, so if you give me something, be aware that it will likely later become a self-challenge and victory if I manage to throw it away. But thank you in advance! I really appreciate the thought. So much so that I will likely view it as deeply significant of our relationship and/or an extension of you, and have a very difficult time getting rid of it. So maybe just gift cards?

Best Hour of TV

Today is Kathie Lee's one year anniversary of joining the forth hour of the Today Show, and I would like to revise my stance on this quarter of the daily news program. It is the best hour of programming each day. DVR it. I'm serious. Or you will remain ignorant to such things as the existence of beer chips, at least until you go to a party where they are serving beer chips, and then you will wonder why you are so behind. There. You have been informed.

Victor's vector

I have just safely landed in Kansas fucking city (my other favorite kfc) and could not wait to badmouth my fellow passengers, as per uge.

Just to back up a step, I swear I flew here from 1979, when boarding passes were hand written and anything goes liquid wise through LGA security. When two guys started to fight while boarding, I asked the gate agent if maybe she shouldn't call security, but she already had. They had to bypass the big strong line jumping dorks to deal with the Sam Kennison look alike on the floor with 8 Modell's sacks as his only excuse for luggage. What was in those bags, you ask. Ten giant green sweatshirts. He was forced to put all of them on since he refused to throw away two giant sacks filled with old newspapers. This was hoarding at its finest.

When I was deboarding, I passed this luggage deficient guy dead asleep spralled out across his row, littered with newspaper and napkins, eight sweatshirts light and wearing only a jersey. A Brett Favre jersey, for what it's worth.

I Heard Non-TV Media Exists, I May Partake

Of course after seeing B.D. (Big Dong?) Wong at Wholefoods with Raves on Saturday, post a long and fruitful day in Jerz (specifically Weehauken), I'm tempted to impart the details of that eventful day on you. There is a lot to say, after all. From the seven minute ferry ride to my personal eating contest big big win at CPK, to Mo's European Vacation "Big Ben, House of Parliament..." reference, it was a good day.

But yesterday I met with a staffing agency and they warned me potential employers might want me to account for how I've been spending my days of unemployment. So in order to throw them off my scent, I wanted to devote this posting to what I've been doing that doesn't involve Keeping Up with the Gilmores. (At least we know why they're famous?) Specifically, I'm going to dish about my current reading list. Though I haven't finished a book since I got canned, I have a lot going right now, and one of these days one of these books is going to give me a reason to watch each episode of GG only once a day so I can get to its last page via all the preceeding pages.

Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer
I'm not too far in, but here is a man willing to satisfy my genetic desire to dish about Mormonism, so I'm happy about that so far. If he leaves the details of their special underwear until the last page, I will definitely get all the way through.

No one belongs here more than you. Stories by Miranda July
Usually I am annoyed by books of short stories, but that could just be because by 'usually' I mean one of the only other books of short stories I've ever read was by Flannery O'Connor. It took me six weeks to regain my will to live after that. From delving into the sick mind that invented the concept of pooping back and forth forever (Me and You and Everyone We Know), I'm determined to live forever after just a few stories. The bonus of reading books of short stories, I'm learning, is that I don't feel like I'm forgetting to do something by not finishing. So this is a win win.

~~~hold on a minute, Full House just came on so I have to turn to 9-0 on Soapnet~~~
~~and I'm back~~

Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh
I had to read this in college, and I remembered that it gave good advice on how not to be a spaz, so I'm revisiting (I'm sensing a big sigh of relief from my loved ones. You are learning his mantra already!). It's under 200 pages and formatted really more like a pamphlet, so this is a strong contender for first to finish. Its major disadvantage is I find the Lama way cuter, and after seeing him de-humanized by Ann and Matt this morning ("He eats cereal?!?! Isn't that precious?) I might switch to The Art of Happiness in a show of solidarity.

I Was Told There'd Be Cake, essays by Sloane Crosley
I started this before I got the boot, so I think if I can somehow wrap these essays up my life may come full circle. Here again it's a collection of essays so the only incentive is the humor, which, while plentiful, is comprable to an episode of HIMYM. I have a problem!

Slumdog Millionaire by Vikas Swarup
This is my bookclub's last book, and I made it more than half-way through, but the concensus was the movie was better. I may do this one in an afternoon if I need some semi-instant gratification. Or I may just see the movie.

Then again, maybe I'll scrap all these for something else. Any suggestions?

Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is the new Bachelor, only with more cornsilk and class

Anyone who googled "Bachelor spoilers" last week, per the suggestion of AG (or their own insatiability) was not toooo surprised by last night's three hours of Bachelor devilish goodness. I mean, in the end he made the right choice going with the more frequent bather. I do blame DeAnna for cankling up to him with her bunk advice in the first place, but all in all the only difference between the end result of this season and all other seasons is that Jason changed his mind a little more quickly after the engagement, just in time for Chris to interview him about it. I also slightly hoped Jason's ex-wife would be the one to beg for him back. Mostly so we could find out if she left him for meth or if there is another reason she isn't keeping her son out of this.
So, now that everyone is comfortable with what happened in the end, I'd love it if you wouldn't mind indulging some questions that I had re: the three hours I'll never get back (and really don't miss.)

1. In the first half hour, Jason raises his arms high enough so that you can see a male thong sticking out of his pants, right?
2. Melissa had a hard time not wrapping her legs around people, right?
3. That kid felt exploited and that's why he acted strange, right?
4. When Jason calls Melissa's family to have a conversation with them about marrying their daughter whom he met while starring in The Bachelor, he started to stick his free hand down his pants and stopped himself when he remembered he was being filmed, right?
5. DeAnna wore a suit to try to get him back, right?
6. Melissa scared him away by immediately telling him what her new name will be after the get married instead of, you know, dating the guy, right?
7. Hands are not appropriate nose wipers. This is not a question.
8. It's weird how he calls Molly "Those Eyes" instead of "You," right?
9. Molly is too good for him even though she always looks like she may have just smelled a fart, right?
10. Jason lives with a three year old in a houseboat on a marina with no guard rails so that essentially his three year old son should be wearing a life vest to bed but doesn't, right?
11. If you thought someone was about to propose to you, you would leave the rhinestone chandelier earrings at home, wouldn't you?

I could be wrong on all of the above, but one thing I'm not wrong about - Rock of Love Bus will quickly fill the void where the Bachelor made its home in my dvr schedule. I personally find Bret's cornsilk wig and the girls' gumption to be a refreshing change of pace after seeing a house full of delusional women throwing themselves at someone they've never met who isn't a rock star. I mean, at least that part of RLB is believable. Plus - my favorite kind of bonus - there's swearing.

Spotted, long haired and wirey:

I just happened upon a wiener dog convention two blocks from my apartment. Dreams do come true.

A Degree in the Bachelor

I wish I could say I didn't watch the Bachelor last night, but I did. I totally did. There was not nearly as much to report as the misinformed previews liked us to believe there would be. It was really just a lot of inuendo about the "fantasy suites." It left me with three questions:
1. Don't these girls have families??!
2. Don't those producers supply handkerchiefs?
3. Based on who remains, doesn't Jason have eyes??!!

And, not to give anything away, but speaking of the producers - I bet they're really hoping last nights' episode lead to three unplanned pregnancies. Can you even imagine the kind of ratings that series off-shoot would get??

An open letter to A Rod, re: roids

Dear A Rod,
I didn't care that you did roids at all - really I didn't. It was perfectly fine with me - roid away! Until five minutes ago, when you held a press conference that cut off the last five minutes of All My Children. Because here's the thing, it's just getting good after being so bad for so long. I would say I haven't really been interested since the writers' strike, which was quite a hiatus for a lifer like me to take. Plus, I'm sure you saw on CNN.com that Binx and Reece were getting hitched in the first ever Soap lesbian wedding. This is the big time! And now, just as it took so long to get the real Greenlee back and as uncrazy as before her untimely departure (and ill-advised real life marriage to Bachelor reject extraordinaire, Bob) you went ahead and scheduled a press conference to admit for the hundredth time that you let your cousin stick loaded needles in your buttocks just in time to make me miss whether or not what they found in the river was a piece of her wedding dress!

Here's what else. Is your target audience even at home watching t.v. at 1:55pm on a Tuesday? No, they're at work doing their jobs that they get paid a measly fraction of what you get paid to do with no possible substance they could even creatively use to enhance their performance. So you aren't really facing them, you're facing me - the fired and hopeless, those trying to wring a little joy out of an otherwise bleak daytime line-up. So come on! Why don't you just do it at 3am, when everyone is sleeping? At least then you aren't interrupting Daytime and angering the last group of people who were going to care that you did roids.

Finally, I beg of you, if you are going to ever have a press conference during AMC to announce something else really stupid and waaaay after the fact again, could you at least first practice reading all those big words someone else printed out for you? Seeing you stumbling over the word "stupid" is just more than our poor hearts can bear.

Now kindly please use your fame to arrange for me to visit the AMC studios and receive a live version of the last two minutes of today's episode.

xo,
Suddenly Manic for Manny

Yowza

This just in, is more than I could have ever asked for. I believe Steve Sanders got sued for making it, and lost, in the episode when Dylan knocks Donna into the pool in a drugged out stupor. I'm so thankful the judge finally decided to release it!

Polled!

In case you aren't scrolling all the way to the bottom of this page at each visit, FYI, I've started a weekly poll. Last week 75% of readers decided I should throw myself completely into writing an All My Children's Desk Reference as a career choice. I couldn't agree more if I were one of those three people! (I was.) And man oh man, did I pick the week to get cracking. If you have never watched the show before, tomorrow at 1pm on Soapnet would be the time to start. It's getting so good! Let's just say, prior to this upcoming Monday, Brooke finding Tad Martin living on a vinyard under the alias of Ted Orsini thanks to the three years of amnesia he got from falling into the dam when his wedding to Dixie turned into their escaping a bank heist would have gone down as my favorite AMC moment ever... Yeah, it's that good.

Before you go, scroll down and make a pick. Don't let Patty Stranger win by default - make her readers' choice!

Yesterday of all yesterdays

I went to an interview yesterday. Well, it might actually have been a Jonestown II resident visa application process, but I think it was at least supposed to be an interview.

It should not have been such a surprise to me that yesterday was a weird day, since I was required to take a personality test before showing up. This, as Kiki and Bad can attest to, really bit my ass since I was on vacation. Also, I find it akin to being forced to give a DNA sample to your health insurance company (in which scenario I promise to get Munchausen not-biproxy for spite, and to keep them on their toes.) (Sooo just kidding future health care provider.) I felt totally justified after taking the test though, because, per it, I have a highly skeptical and critical nature.

On that note, it has been difficult for me to put into print the sort of brainwashing and bazaarity I encountered yesterday, so does it work for me just to ask you to believe me? Ok fine, I'll try. First of all, they record all conversations, on the phone or in person. Which totally begs the question, who has time to listen to past convos? Also, they have some sort of "philosophy" of expected constant mental degradation to achieve personal and career excellence. (The example that was repeated to me over and over again is that it is encouraged to tell your peers (oh yeah, that's another thing, nobody is technically a boss or subordinate, but there are various levels of orcan kings and dwarf dogs) out of the middle of nowhere, "I think you are a sloppy person." Then you talk it out for hours on end until the behavior is corrected. Were they using this example because they didn't like my outfit??)

They also have their own totally absurd lingo, which they call concepts. But they are really just words. They are far too stupid for me to tell you about, but lets all agree companies don't need their own language. My last interview went on and on for an hour and a half, while the big guy interviewing me kept inadvertantly doing Matt Foley impressions. I am pretty sure he contested the idea that I graduated from college. Which is what most of you are thinking right now, but I did! I totally did! How does one not get fired for being that excellent at wasting so much time?

Ug. So finally the interview ended, but guess what. It was in the middle of nowhere, so I had to sit in the lobby for another fifteen minutes while they called me a cab. Finally I made it to the train - safety! Except then, so excited to get home, I got off the train in a less than familiar neighborhood. I immediately walked through the scene of a stabbing, then witnessed corner boys scatter at the sight of po-lice. I have to say, this felt pretty cozy after what I had been through all day.

The question is, if they offer me this job, do I take it because it is the only job available in all the land, do I see if the hoppers are hiring, or do I write a scathing expose on this place? I can really only do two of the three at once, I just can't figure out which would be least life-threatening.

DVR Coincidink or endtimes?

I JUST got back from a very fun weekend in St. Paul, MN, and, tuckered out from my flight, decided to catch up with my DVR. I turned on Thursday's episode of Gilmore Girls, in which Jon Hamm played Lorelai's dud love interest, Payton Sanders. This was immediately followed up by the most recent 30 Rock - lo and behold who appears as Liz Lemon's cartoon pilot non-dud neighbor, but Jon Hamm! Since I've never seen anything with this guy in it before, I'm taking this personally. DVR coincidinks really freak me out.

Or, as has been suggested, is this just a celestial tv recommendation?

Reflections on this season's Bachelor, Episode 5

Holy What, are people watching this show??  What century is this?  I so desperately wish I could do a pop-up video of each of these episodes.  I don't know where to start.  Maybe I'll just summarize my two favorite parts - the coffee shop convo and, of course, the rose ceremony.

Coffee Shop Convo

I may be paraphrasing, but this is exactly what happened:

Jason:  My concern is that you are the only girl who hasn't cried about me.

Most respectable of the remaining five chooches:  That's because if we all cried at once, nobody would be able to make us feel better.

Jason:  So you wanted to cry about me, you just didn't?

Least emotionally delinquent hoosier:  Essentially, yes.

Jason:  Ok, good, I feel better about you since you really wanted to cry about me, and you acknowledge that you should be crying about me, but you just don't make tears. 

Rose Ceremony

It would be impossible to summarize the Rose Ceremony without talking costumes.  Jason (the person all these girls coincidentally fell in love with at first sight) had on a maroon and black striped shirt with an exact matching maroon and black diamond printed tie, leading me to believe a waiter somewhere (or maybe Sideshow Bob) was naked that night.  As for the female representation, none of the girls had heard the 'take one piece of jewelry off before leaving the house' rule, let alone the 'cover your private parts in public' rule.  

So that's the scene.  With the last rose, Jason made "the hardest decision of his life" by kicking Stephanie off, but not without insulting all the girls he kept there.  While publicly dumping her, he informed the room that, though she was the best person he had ever met in his entire life, she was out.  She took it well enough, congratulating the remaining four that one of them is going to be lucky enough to spend the rest of their life working tirelessly to make him a happy man.  I'm serious, she said that.  And he kicked her off.

Please watch next week so we can discuss.

Yum

In the middle of Hoda and Kathy Lee just now, I had to rewind the commercial for Disney Farm Fresh Eggs three times to be sure I wasn't hallucinating.  Does the FDA know about this??  Suddenly BK's crown shapped chicken nuggets sound healthy and natural, and like a good idea for lunch.

I also had to rewind the actual show to be sure that, during Hoda and Kathy Lee's daily quiz give-away, participants get nothing for getting an answer right, but if they get it wrong they are punished by getting a copy of Kathy Lee's new album.  Which is exactly what I was thinking, but is Kathy Lee really that good of a sport?  I mean, she did announce that her proctologist declared hers the healthiest colon at Today (and its last hour offshoot) last week.  Am I suddenly starting to respect Kathy Lee?  Why is this happening to me??

Newman Newman!

Let me skip the excuses and just admit that G and I watched the heck out of the last Bachelorette starring DoMeinthe Pappas.  To recap that season, it ended with her picking the bigger of two doofuses.  It was really a phenomenally bad choice.  Worse than her initial decision to be on the Bachelor.  

So you can believe our surprise when, on Monday, we realized we hadn't been keeping up with the newest Bachelor starring Jason, the lesser of DeAnna's doofuses.  Fortunately it took absolutely no effort to catch up with the season by watching the last twenty minutes of episode 4.   (He likes brunettes.)  Highlights of that episode were him choosing between a 35 year old mother slathered in face glitter and a woman with actual sideburns (I am completely serious) on a double date (he did the right thing), and, later, his refusal to give out the last rose because the remaining three girls were so bat-shit crazy.    

If these are the last six, just think of what we missed in the elimination of the other 19!  Double Newman!

FYI, my money is on Shannon.

Getting my inaug on

As bragged about in a previous post, G and I made it to the inauguration on Tuesday, and I would be remiss if I didn't at least acknowledge the mission was accomplished.  Some things I thought were interesting:

• Being in massive crowds without loud music or tailgates and kegs is slightly unsettling.
  
• The mayor of DC organizes this thing, and frankly, should have consulted me on a few matters.  (e.g. Lack of signage, providing trash receptacles, etc.)
  
• Al Sharpton attended amongst us plebes, so it turns out insulting the guy on live t.v. did not, in fact, pay off. 
  
• At least one person alive still knows how to fire a cannon.
  

Sorry

but I love this skit from last week's SNL more than House marathons.  

Afterbirth, Facebook

I am not sure if I were a parent that there would be pictures of my kids posted on Facebook, but I guess there's no reason 0-4 year olds should be the only population not on and dweebing it up.  Last week I learned the hard way that one of my fb friendsies probably would not have cared either way what my opinion was, since she went ahead and posted pictures of herself with her girlfriend after their home water delivery, visibly sitting in a pool of the afterbirth and holding the child.  (Successfully proving nothing is sacred and very little is sanitary.)  I desperately do not want to know how they got the water out of the blow-up pool but I'm positive it will be detailed in my fb home feed any minute now. Though I have to admit, this did put an end to all my complaints about facebook being totally boring.

Who didn't think of that?

In college, Sarah Jane and I were going to solve our lack of career inspiration crisis by committing ourselves wholly to the creation of a t.v. show called Who didn't think of that?  Our first episode was going to be about the Kit Kat Big Kats, which had just been invented.  (Really?  It took that long Hersheys?)  The show was going to be a smash hit until, for some reason, we let it fall to the wayside.  (I have a poor man's patent sitting around here somewhere, so don't even think about it.)  

The other day I stumbled upon the perfect subject for episode 2 in a book at the moma store.  Cue up your tivo - I'm getting out the camcorder.

    

Inspirational programming, please

At this point, I'm resorting to daytime tv to inspire me to get cracking on my resume and start applying for jobs, as thus far I have done little more than carry my resume from my bed to my desk and vice versa.  (Maybe if I put it under my pillow?...)  The fact that the Big Three (Erica, Tad, Joe) on AMC may be meeting their maker (Agnes) doesn't help much.  Perhaps if ABC Family were on season 8 of Gilmore Girls (when Paris implements the white boards) I could get a little more from them, but I have five seasons between now and then.  

So instead of tuning into ABCFamily.com for a kick in the pants, I watched the History Channel's special on Nostradamus last night.  Which, oddly enough, didn't end up being the pep talk I was looking for.  It turns out, unless we put our heads together to save the honeybees, we're all going to die on Dec 10, 2012.  Something tells me the honeybees don't care which font I pick to detail my employment history.  (As a side note, half way into the show there was an ad for selling your timeshares, which I thought was pretty much completely brilliant.  Maybe there's a glimmer there?)

Oh my god, Lauer's doing a segment called "Managing What's Left" right now.  I'm going to fold my underwear.   

Ted Theo

This is my mom's corgi and my favorite photo of 2008, even if it didn't make the Today Show finals.  Just check out those gluts.  Plus, this little guy can solve any of your puzzle piece disappearance needs in under two seconds. What's not to love??

The only time it's appropriate to pull out your camera in a public restroom

In just another example of how fat cats are affecting america's (or at least my) buzz these days, I went to the bathroom at Boss Tweed's the other night and found the sink in the loo to be too, too rich.  As you can see, even the duct tape has had enough.  One errant sneeze and rusty water was bound to shoot straight at my crotch.  After laughing alone in the bathroom for ten minutes, I managed to steady my hand long enough to snap a shot.