Thanks, god(!)

On Thanksgiving, I always think of an Albanian woman I used to work with at the salon who would editorialize her own stories by pausing in the middle to give big ups to the man upstairs, pointing and lamenting, "Thanks, God!" after which she would gesture a very quick, almost impossible to see, sign of the cross.  The phrase would be dripping with self-pity and fear, sometimes I thought I sensed sarcasm, even.  I've seen very few people be able to work that much information into two syllables, it was pretty incredible.  

Anywho, in addition to the above, thanks, god(!) for the following:

1.  KGRS, or, as they'd have you believe, the soundtrack to my life - without which R squared could have never memorized "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" that time that it was broken and on repeat for well over an hour in 1997.  Also without which B-Town would only have country music.

2.  An open Bennigan's twenty minutes away and Turkey O'Tooles in my future!

3.  Fun City, whose patrons continue to remind us to keep it classy - as per the below.  It's hard to tell from my fancy photog work, but in parentheses it reads "now go make me some breakfast please."  The future is ours, America.

4.  Today Show recipes.  While the rest of you were picking at your meals today, wondering what Lester Holt was eating, I was livin' it.

Sitting Coach Duck

As I sat in the Northwest terminal at LaGuardia Monday afternoon awaiting my flight home for turkey day, I skimmed through my travel reading selections.  Flipping through a newly shrunken issue of rolling stone, I saw the proof I was looking for last Saturday night - a photo of Axl Rose's new face, still all waxy from the skin reattachment.  How four people were completely unaware of his total reconstruction is beyond me, but I'm working on a rough draft of my conspiracy theory.

Fortunately, leg one of my flight boarded and took off in a timely manner.  But, I got stuck with the middle seat between two dudes (double nards!).  A couple of thoughts for gentlemen flying solo:  If you insist on bringing your tuna sandwich and banana dinner on the plane and consuming it, don't fall asleep or you will rip ones the entire time.  Assuming you're a healthy boy and ok with that, attempting any manner of conversation with your rowmates upon waking would be ill advised.  Also, if you are in a band and all the mystique of odiferous fart filled coach sitting is what inspires you to write the lyrics to your future hit single (you should name it Commotion), please keep the flailing of your head and arms to a minimum.  It doesn't look like you are jamming out to anything, and your rowmates will likely grow less concerned, more spiteful.

With the advances of a middle aged businessman and an adultalescent emo boy skillfully thwarted, I had to wonder - was it just my aloneness and the fact that they could in no way get busted for flirting as they would never see me again?  Or, more likely, is my Felicity inspired leather laptop backpack serious man bait?  After all, she did get that haircut and still got to choose between Ben and Noel...

Though my layover in Memphis was supposed to be one minute (not well planned), it ended up being three hours thanks in full to a missing part.  Much later that night, I landed safely at the QC Airport, my plane-side checked bag nowhere to be found.  Luckily, it wasn't my plane dude magnet, but I'd have to call my friends about Axl tomorrow.

Bowl game?

I'm so proud to be a Hawkeye with their pending bowl game announcement and all, but most especially after hearing this.

Update!  As a follow-up, my source for all things Metrodome bathroom sex, Sports, just sent me this.  It's less funny when the participants have names.  Silver lining - finally identifying someone who can drink less than me. 

Rico McPato, Le' go my Eggo

It's been a tough week in the news for the Rico McPato's of the world.  The first thing I heard this morning is they're canceling Dirty Sexy Money, then I find out vitamins are bad for you (only richies bother trying to live longer - jokes on them though), but the last straw was reading that the Queen's corgis are taking their stumpiness out on her!  What is this world coming to???  Next you're going to tell me that regular people can also own great art...

Middle Aged Man

Not to alienate my fan base or anything (sorry, Lone Reader!) but a friend is auditioning for a role and brought up one of my all time most beloved shows for comparison - Ally McBeal.  I've had my favorite tv characters on my mind ever since.   Knowing full well this could end it all, I'm putting them down to make it official.

1.  The Office - For the first few seasons I debated this a lot - am I a Dwight or a Pam or a Kelly (or a Phyllis)?  (Dwight.)  But I wish I was a Darryl.  He's not pigeon holed into being or doing the same stupid or annoying or arrogant thing each episode.  His scooting it to his truck after Kelly dumped him was the highlight of last week's episode.  Dinkin flicka.

2.  Freaks and Geeks - Daniel Desario's and Kim Kelly's were two excellent roles, but Haverchuck wins this one, as he made my heart bleed.  I'm so happy that he ended up a total babe.

3.   The OC - Sandy Cohen was so sexy that all the Seth Cohen and Jimmy Cooper in the world couldn't have made me forget when he wasn't on screen.  Summer was a close second, as she had a lot of good lines, but it would be a shame if Peter Gallagher's ability to broaden my consideration for giant eyebrows went unheralded.

4.  The Wire - This one keeps me up at nights.  McNulty is so tortured and misunderstood.  Bubbles makes me want to drop everything and take up homeless outreach.  Lester Freamon makes me want to marry an understated model furniture hobbiest.  Omar rules, Weebay is hilarious, I mean dang, all the characters are so great, even the really evil ones (except Kanard, little asshole).  I might have to walk the line and say Jay today.  His sense of irony is too too wonderful.

5.  Gossip Girl - Chuck.  

6.  All My Children - I once read an article that said people who watch soaps are inherently happier because subconsciously they feel like they have more friends.    It's true, Erica Kane has been in my life longer than anyone.  And she's never given anyone good advice, making her the most relatable, reliable character in my tv viewing history.

7.  Arrested Development - God this is hard!  Michael.

8.  Beverly Hills, 90210 - Steve is the only acceptable answer, as he's the only character that didn't take himself too seriously.  Ironically, I'm pretty sure that's the opposite of the truth in reality.  It's pronounced 'I - an'.  We know.

9.  Gilmore Girls - Up until last week, I would have made fun of myself for even typing that.  Lorelai is that awesome.

10.  Scrubs - This is a major toss-up.  Turk might be the absolute best character of all time, but the Todd and Dr. Cox make me really happy, too.  After weighing all the pros and cons of each, Dr. Cox eeks it out because his character is all human and shit.

11.  (but really that's for double 1's)  How I Met Your Mother - I heart Barney Stinson forever.  He makes Chuck, Dr. Cox, and Sandy Cohen look like a bunch of numb nuts.  They aren't, that's just how well he's written.  (Good looking out, A!)

Bonus round:  WORST character ever:  Felicity - Julie Emrick.  Lighten up!   Dang.

If, after reading this, you are looking at my gut, I'm working on it.

Not the Amos I knew so well...

The highlight of my working-stiff days was always receiving an email from one of my cohorts, subject line: Vend.  I'd usually pretend I was considering the healthy check-marked items for at least a few seconds, but was kidding no one,  before I went for the chocolate chip Famous Amos.  You can imagine my disappointment when there would be only four or five cookies in the bag, but I recently caught wind of this, which is just ridiculous.  When Amos was in charge of q.c., this never would have happened!

Found:

A few weeks ago I found the following letter in the hallway of my apartment building on the floor with all the menus and missent mail, and forgot to tell people about it.

It goes on to say "If you'r not interested please ignore this letter ThaNk yOU FOR yOUR TiME AND HAVE A BLESSED DAY!"  My guess is he didn't make all his cash in either the grammar or the real estate biz.  The letter was not addressed to me, or actually anyone, but I had to pick it up.  Someone please call miCHAEL. and let me know what happens.  Or maybe don't as he's clearly some sort of lunatic or war criminal or something.