Victor's vector

I have just safely landed in Kansas fucking city (my other favorite kfc) and could not wait to badmouth my fellow passengers, as per uge.

Just to back up a step, I swear I flew here from 1979, when boarding passes were hand written and anything goes liquid wise through LGA security. When two guys started to fight while boarding, I asked the gate agent if maybe she shouldn't call security, but she already had. They had to bypass the big strong line jumping dorks to deal with the Sam Kennison look alike on the floor with 8 Modell's sacks as his only excuse for luggage. What was in those bags, you ask. Ten giant green sweatshirts. He was forced to put all of them on since he refused to throw away two giant sacks filled with old newspapers. This was hoarding at its finest.

When I was deboarding, I passed this luggage deficient guy dead asleep spralled out across his row, littered with newspaper and napkins, eight sweatshirts light and wearing only a jersey. A Brett Favre jersey, for what it's worth.

I Heard Non-TV Media Exists, I May Partake

Of course after seeing B.D. (Big Dong?) Wong at Wholefoods with Raves on Saturday, post a long and fruitful day in Jerz (specifically Weehauken), I'm tempted to impart the details of that eventful day on you. There is a lot to say, after all. From the seven minute ferry ride to my personal eating contest big big win at CPK, to Mo's European Vacation "Big Ben, House of Parliament..." reference, it was a good day.

But yesterday I met with a staffing agency and they warned me potential employers might want me to account for how I've been spending my days of unemployment. So in order to throw them off my scent, I wanted to devote this posting to what I've been doing that doesn't involve Keeping Up with the Gilmores. (At least we know why they're famous?) Specifically, I'm going to dish about my current reading list. Though I haven't finished a book since I got canned, I have a lot going right now, and one of these days one of these books is going to give me a reason to watch each episode of GG only once a day so I can get to its last page via all the preceeding pages.

Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer
I'm not too far in, but here is a man willing to satisfy my genetic desire to dish about Mormonism, so I'm happy about that so far. If he leaves the details of their special underwear until the last page, I will definitely get all the way through.

No one belongs here more than you. Stories by Miranda July
Usually I am annoyed by books of short stories, but that could just be because by 'usually' I mean one of the only other books of short stories I've ever read was by Flannery O'Connor. It took me six weeks to regain my will to live after that. From delving into the sick mind that invented the concept of pooping back and forth forever (Me and You and Everyone We Know), I'm determined to live forever after just a few stories. The bonus of reading books of short stories, I'm learning, is that I don't feel like I'm forgetting to do something by not finishing. So this is a win win.

~~~hold on a minute, Full House just came on so I have to turn to 9-0 on Soapnet~~~
~~and I'm back~~

Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh
I had to read this in college, and I remembered that it gave good advice on how not to be a spaz, so I'm revisiting (I'm sensing a big sigh of relief from my loved ones. You are learning his mantra already!). It's under 200 pages and formatted really more like a pamphlet, so this is a strong contender for first to finish. Its major disadvantage is I find the Lama way cuter, and after seeing him de-humanized by Ann and Matt this morning ("He eats cereal?!?! Isn't that precious?) I might switch to The Art of Happiness in a show of solidarity.

I Was Told There'd Be Cake, essays by Sloane Crosley
I started this before I got the boot, so I think if I can somehow wrap these essays up my life may come full circle. Here again it's a collection of essays so the only incentive is the humor, which, while plentiful, is comprable to an episode of HIMYM. I have a problem!

Slumdog Millionaire by Vikas Swarup
This is my bookclub's last book, and I made it more than half-way through, but the concensus was the movie was better. I may do this one in an afternoon if I need some semi-instant gratification. Or I may just see the movie.

Then again, maybe I'll scrap all these for something else. Any suggestions?

Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is the new Bachelor, only with more cornsilk and class

Anyone who googled "Bachelor spoilers" last week, per the suggestion of AG (or their own insatiability) was not toooo surprised by last night's three hours of Bachelor devilish goodness. I mean, in the end he made the right choice going with the more frequent bather. I do blame DeAnna for cankling up to him with her bunk advice in the first place, but all in all the only difference between the end result of this season and all other seasons is that Jason changed his mind a little more quickly after the engagement, just in time for Chris to interview him about it. I also slightly hoped Jason's ex-wife would be the one to beg for him back. Mostly so we could find out if she left him for meth or if there is another reason she isn't keeping her son out of this.
So, now that everyone is comfortable with what happened in the end, I'd love it if you wouldn't mind indulging some questions that I had re: the three hours I'll never get back (and really don't miss.)

1. In the first half hour, Jason raises his arms high enough so that you can see a male thong sticking out of his pants, right?
2. Melissa had a hard time not wrapping her legs around people, right?
3. That kid felt exploited and that's why he acted strange, right?
4. When Jason calls Melissa's family to have a conversation with them about marrying their daughter whom he met while starring in The Bachelor, he started to stick his free hand down his pants and stopped himself when he remembered he was being filmed, right?
5. DeAnna wore a suit to try to get him back, right?
6. Melissa scared him away by immediately telling him what her new name will be after the get married instead of, you know, dating the guy, right?
7. Hands are not appropriate nose wipers. This is not a question.
8. It's weird how he calls Molly "Those Eyes" instead of "You," right?
9. Molly is too good for him even though she always looks like she may have just smelled a fart, right?
10. Jason lives with a three year old in a houseboat on a marina with no guard rails so that essentially his three year old son should be wearing a life vest to bed but doesn't, right?
11. If you thought someone was about to propose to you, you would leave the rhinestone chandelier earrings at home, wouldn't you?

I could be wrong on all of the above, but one thing I'm not wrong about - Rock of Love Bus will quickly fill the void where the Bachelor made its home in my dvr schedule. I personally find Bret's cornsilk wig and the girls' gumption to be a refreshing change of pace after seeing a house full of delusional women throwing themselves at someone they've never met who isn't a rock star. I mean, at least that part of RLB is believable. Plus - my favorite kind of bonus - there's swearing.

Spotted, long haired and wirey:

I just happened upon a wiener dog convention two blocks from my apartment. Dreams do come true.

A Degree in the Bachelor

I wish I could say I didn't watch the Bachelor last night, but I did. I totally did. There was not nearly as much to report as the misinformed previews liked us to believe there would be. It was really just a lot of inuendo about the "fantasy suites." It left me with three questions:
1. Don't these girls have families??!
2. Don't those producers supply handkerchiefs?
3. Based on who remains, doesn't Jason have eyes??!!

And, not to give anything away, but speaking of the producers - I bet they're really hoping last nights' episode lead to three unplanned pregnancies. Can you even imagine the kind of ratings that series off-shoot would get??

An open letter to A Rod, re: roids

Dear A Rod,
I didn't care that you did roids at all - really I didn't. It was perfectly fine with me - roid away! Until five minutes ago, when you held a press conference that cut off the last five minutes of All My Children. Because here's the thing, it's just getting good after being so bad for so long. I would say I haven't really been interested since the writers' strike, which was quite a hiatus for a lifer like me to take. Plus, I'm sure you saw on CNN.com that Binx and Reece were getting hitched in the first ever Soap lesbian wedding. This is the big time! And now, just as it took so long to get the real Greenlee back and as uncrazy as before her untimely departure (and ill-advised real life marriage to Bachelor reject extraordinaire, Bob) you went ahead and scheduled a press conference to admit for the hundredth time that you let your cousin stick loaded needles in your buttocks just in time to make me miss whether or not what they found in the river was a piece of her wedding dress!

Here's what else. Is your target audience even at home watching t.v. at 1:55pm on a Tuesday? No, they're at work doing their jobs that they get paid a measly fraction of what you get paid to do with no possible substance they could even creatively use to enhance their performance. So you aren't really facing them, you're facing me - the fired and hopeless, those trying to wring a little joy out of an otherwise bleak daytime line-up. So come on! Why don't you just do it at 3am, when everyone is sleeping? At least then you aren't interrupting Daytime and angering the last group of people who were going to care that you did roids.

Finally, I beg of you, if you are going to ever have a press conference during AMC to announce something else really stupid and waaaay after the fact again, could you at least first practice reading all those big words someone else printed out for you? Seeing you stumbling over the word "stupid" is just more than our poor hearts can bear.

Now kindly please use your fame to arrange for me to visit the AMC studios and receive a live version of the last two minutes of today's episode.

xo,
Suddenly Manic for Manny

Yowza

This just in, is more than I could have ever asked for. I believe Steve Sanders got sued for making it, and lost, in the episode when Dylan knocks Donna into the pool in a drugged out stupor. I'm so thankful the judge finally decided to release it!