An open letter to A Rod, re: roids

Dear A Rod,
I didn't care that you did roids at all - really I didn't. It was perfectly fine with me - roid away! Until five minutes ago, when you held a press conference that cut off the last five minutes of All My Children. Because here's the thing, it's just getting good after being so bad for so long. I would say I haven't really been interested since the writers' strike, which was quite a hiatus for a lifer like me to take. Plus, I'm sure you saw on CNN.com that Binx and Reece were getting hitched in the first ever Soap lesbian wedding. This is the big time! And now, just as it took so long to get the real Greenlee back and as uncrazy as before her untimely departure (and ill-advised real life marriage to Bachelor reject extraordinaire, Bob) you went ahead and scheduled a press conference to admit for the hundredth time that you let your cousin stick loaded needles in your buttocks just in time to make me miss whether or not what they found in the river was a piece of her wedding dress!

Here's what else. Is your target audience even at home watching t.v. at 1:55pm on a Tuesday? No, they're at work doing their jobs that they get paid a measly fraction of what you get paid to do with no possible substance they could even creatively use to enhance their performance. So you aren't really facing them, you're facing me - the fired and hopeless, those trying to wring a little joy out of an otherwise bleak daytime line-up. So come on! Why don't you just do it at 3am, when everyone is sleeping? At least then you aren't interrupting Daytime and angering the last group of people who were going to care that you did roids.

Finally, I beg of you, if you are going to ever have a press conference during AMC to announce something else really stupid and waaaay after the fact again, could you at least first practice reading all those big words someone else printed out for you? Seeing you stumbling over the word "stupid" is just more than our poor hearts can bear.

Now kindly please use your fame to arrange for me to visit the AMC studios and receive a live version of the last two minutes of today's episode.

xo,
Suddenly Manic for Manny

Yowza

This just in, is more than I could have ever asked for. I believe Steve Sanders got sued for making it, and lost, in the episode when Dylan knocks Donna into the pool in a drugged out stupor. I'm so thankful the judge finally decided to release it!

Polled!

In case you aren't scrolling all the way to the bottom of this page at each visit, FYI, I've started a weekly poll. Last week 75% of readers decided I should throw myself completely into writing an All My Children's Desk Reference as a career choice. I couldn't agree more if I were one of those three people! (I was.) And man oh man, did I pick the week to get cracking. If you have never watched the show before, tomorrow at 1pm on Soapnet would be the time to start. It's getting so good! Let's just say, prior to this upcoming Monday, Brooke finding Tad Martin living on a vinyard under the alias of Ted Orsini thanks to the three years of amnesia he got from falling into the dam when his wedding to Dixie turned into their escaping a bank heist would have gone down as my favorite AMC moment ever... Yeah, it's that good.

Before you go, scroll down and make a pick. Don't let Patty Stranger win by default - make her readers' choice!

Yesterday of all yesterdays

I went to an interview yesterday. Well, it might actually have been a Jonestown II resident visa application process, but I think it was at least supposed to be an interview.

It should not have been such a surprise to me that yesterday was a weird day, since I was required to take a personality test before showing up. This, as Kiki and Bad can attest to, really bit my ass since I was on vacation. Also, I find it akin to being forced to give a DNA sample to your health insurance company (in which scenario I promise to get Munchausen not-biproxy for spite, and to keep them on their toes.) (Sooo just kidding future health care provider.) I felt totally justified after taking the test though, because, per it, I have a highly skeptical and critical nature.

On that note, it has been difficult for me to put into print the sort of brainwashing and bazaarity I encountered yesterday, so does it work for me just to ask you to believe me? Ok fine, I'll try. First of all, they record all conversations, on the phone or in person. Which totally begs the question, who has time to listen to past convos? Also, they have some sort of "philosophy" of expected constant mental degradation to achieve personal and career excellence. (The example that was repeated to me over and over again is that it is encouraged to tell your peers (oh yeah, that's another thing, nobody is technically a boss or subordinate, but there are various levels of orcan kings and dwarf dogs) out of the middle of nowhere, "I think you are a sloppy person." Then you talk it out for hours on end until the behavior is corrected. Were they using this example because they didn't like my outfit??)

They also have their own totally absurd lingo, which they call concepts. But they are really just words. They are far too stupid for me to tell you about, but lets all agree companies don't need their own language. My last interview went on and on for an hour and a half, while the big guy interviewing me kept inadvertantly doing Matt Foley impressions. I am pretty sure he contested the idea that I graduated from college. Which is what most of you are thinking right now, but I did! I totally did! How does one not get fired for being that excellent at wasting so much time?

Ug. So finally the interview ended, but guess what. It was in the middle of nowhere, so I had to sit in the lobby for another fifteen minutes while they called me a cab. Finally I made it to the train - safety! Except then, so excited to get home, I got off the train in a less than familiar neighborhood. I immediately walked through the scene of a stabbing, then witnessed corner boys scatter at the sight of po-lice. I have to say, this felt pretty cozy after what I had been through all day.

The question is, if they offer me this job, do I take it because it is the only job available in all the land, do I see if the hoppers are hiring, or do I write a scathing expose on this place? I can really only do two of the three at once, I just can't figure out which would be least life-threatening.

DVR Coincidink or endtimes?

I JUST got back from a very fun weekend in St. Paul, MN, and, tuckered out from my flight, decided to catch up with my DVR. I turned on Thursday's episode of Gilmore Girls, in which Jon Hamm played Lorelai's dud love interest, Payton Sanders. This was immediately followed up by the most recent 30 Rock - lo and behold who appears as Liz Lemon's cartoon pilot non-dud neighbor, but Jon Hamm! Since I've never seen anything with this guy in it before, I'm taking this personally. DVR coincidinks really freak me out.

Or, as has been suggested, is this just a celestial tv recommendation?

Reflections on this season's Bachelor, Episode 5

Holy What, are people watching this show??  What century is this?  I so desperately wish I could do a pop-up video of each of these episodes.  I don't know where to start.  Maybe I'll just summarize my two favorite parts - the coffee shop convo and, of course, the rose ceremony.

Coffee Shop Convo

I may be paraphrasing, but this is exactly what happened:

Jason:  My concern is that you are the only girl who hasn't cried about me.

Most respectable of the remaining five chooches:  That's because if we all cried at once, nobody would be able to make us feel better.

Jason:  So you wanted to cry about me, you just didn't?

Least emotionally delinquent hoosier:  Essentially, yes.

Jason:  Ok, good, I feel better about you since you really wanted to cry about me, and you acknowledge that you should be crying about me, but you just don't make tears. 

Rose Ceremony

It would be impossible to summarize the Rose Ceremony without talking costumes.  Jason (the person all these girls coincidentally fell in love with at first sight) had on a maroon and black striped shirt with an exact matching maroon and black diamond printed tie, leading me to believe a waiter somewhere (or maybe Sideshow Bob) was naked that night.  As for the female representation, none of the girls had heard the 'take one piece of jewelry off before leaving the house' rule, let alone the 'cover your private parts in public' rule.  

So that's the scene.  With the last rose, Jason made "the hardest decision of his life" by kicking Stephanie off, but not without insulting all the girls he kept there.  While publicly dumping her, he informed the room that, though she was the best person he had ever met in his entire life, she was out.  She took it well enough, congratulating the remaining four that one of them is going to be lucky enough to spend the rest of their life working tirelessly to make him a happy man.  I'm serious, she said that.  And he kicked her off.

Please watch next week so we can discuss.

Yum

In the middle of Hoda and Kathy Lee just now, I had to rewind the commercial for Disney Farm Fresh Eggs three times to be sure I wasn't hallucinating.  Does the FDA know about this??  Suddenly BK's crown shapped chicken nuggets sound healthy and natural, and like a good idea for lunch.

I also had to rewind the actual show to be sure that, during Hoda and Kathy Lee's daily quiz give-away, participants get nothing for getting an answer right, but if they get it wrong they are punished by getting a copy of Kathy Lee's new album.  Which is exactly what I was thinking, but is Kathy Lee really that good of a sport?  I mean, she did announce that her proctologist declared hers the healthiest colon at Today (and its last hour offshoot) last week.  Am I suddenly starting to respect Kathy Lee?  Why is this happening to me??