Not fiction

Some of the things said in my proximity while home for Christmas could only have been meant to be repeated.  For example, my brother Ben coined the phrase "Huh" years ago, and made excellent use of it over the holidays.   Per Ben, there are two main translations.  The first would be "I have heard what you just said and am acknowledging it, and though I have nothing to say to you currently, I may have a response or comment at a later date."  The second translation is, when pronounced with a slightly different intonation, "I do not wish to engage in the conversation which you have just initiated."  This version has proven VERY useful.

Some other things I heard below.

At a bar on Christmas eve -

Person 1 to E^!&:  How's life?

E^!& to group:  Oh, really pretty terrible.

Person 1:  (Confused, as that's not the right answer.) Oh no.  Why's that?

E^!&:  Well, you know Mr. X died?

Person 1:  Yes, it's so sad.

E^!&:  (Completely serious)  Yeah.  Well.  Now I have to pick up all his leftover work.

(Group stares, all jaws dropped.)

Person 2:  Merry Christmas E^!&...  Merry Christmas E^!&... (continues repeating until E^!& gets the hint and walks away.)

At a party another night - 

Party Person:  Hey!  Have you guys ever heard of a group, I think they're called the Gibbs Brothers?

Later that night, Party Person's father approaches me.

Me:  Oh, hello.

Person's father:  (Through his mustache)  I didn't think (my daughter)'s friends would end up so attractive.

Me:  (Kicking myself for not asking him to speak into the carnation!)  Huh.

What I will not be doing to get a job

The minute you lose your job, people come out of the woodwork to give you their really good advice, which is to join Linked in, or whatever the hell that thing is.  If I had to make a list of the things I will not be doing to get a job, it would begin and end with joining Linked in.  A complete lunatic I once knew is on Linked in, and I heard her interim career was listed as President and CEO of the Human Foundation.  And FYI, she isn't funny.  Wasn't that what George Costanza didn't donate money to?  Which reminds me, happy Festivus, everyone!

Missing Dagger, Lightly Used

For the second year in a row, the P and my mas and I went shopping for yuletide cheer yesterday at the world's best gas station near the outlet mall in the Amana Colonies.  Amongst other earthly delights, one could score all the canned beef, dandelion wine, and rhubarb jam one could want at this BP.  We settled for some Iowa Pale Ale, cheese curds, and rye bread, but if you ever find yourself crossing Iowa on I-80, stop there, as the Amish really know their Piestengle.  

(Note!  Don't be lured in by all the flashy lights and billboards and end up at the Jamboree truckstop in Walcott instead - the Williamsburg BP is way better.)

On our way there, we saw a truck pulled over on the highway with a huge hole in the windshield and the driver slumped over the steering wheel.  There was a passenger very calmly just sitting there, and a state trooper behind them calling for reinforcements.  This mystery only four months after the three of us witnessed a bloody shirtless guy with a dagger  walking down Sunnyside Ave.  Fortunately, in both cases it would seem nobody was hurt seriously (sometimes a guy just wants to slump/ wander about bloodied, knife in hand).  We just happened to come across these incidents at their most mystifying moments.  I have to say, with the exception of a gentleman named Science getting shot on rollerskates in front of a school bus full of children last year (from the sounds of it, he had it coming), all the excitement is happening west of Big Muddy. 

For those with Christmas shopping left who can't make it to the nearest Amish gas station, there is still a lightly used dagger in the grass off Sunnyside somewhere, barely covered in snow.

Razin'

I just heard the most morbid, wisest thing that anyone walking a razor scooter will ever say, and that is this: "When I am in heaven, I can't wait to see the dinosaurs!"    (Yes, he was four.  And yes, I'm sadly aware sharing this makes me equal parts Bill Cosby and the person who repeats things they hear on the bus.)  Flism flasm?

One would think this needs a subject

Blogging is not always easy, especially when you have a.d.d. - which I must.  It seems impossible to settle on a route for today's posting right now.  Instead, I'll just tell you what was in the running.

Possibility #1.  The Wilco and Neil Young concert that G and I went to see last night.  There were lots of characters to report on.  Plus, I thought about letting you in on how the only incentive I've found in the last month and a half to get a job is having wanted better seats last night (it's not like I haven't realized homelessness is a real possibility, either).  I also always thinks it's appropriate to tell my go to Wilco anecdote about the Nashville roadtrip when Via Chicago was up next and I dedicated it to Lederman (what with her being from Chicago) totally having forgotten how the first line goes.  

Possibility #2.  Wayne's World vs. Wayne's World 2.  I would have won you over with my Wayne's World preference debating skills, carefully reminding you why Keith Richards cannot be killed by conventional weapons.  In the end, we all would have agreed it was a trifle unnecessary to see the crack in the Indian's bottom, but 2 still would have won.  I could have also tied it into last night's concert because a guy across the aisle was into giving Neil the "we're not worthy" bow every now and then.

Possiblity #3.  Funny things people have sent me links to, like this, that, here, and what.  And, holy cow, Bob Bob just sent this.

Possibility #4.  What I heard on the weather channel about how wind chill is calculated.  The weather guy said that if you look at an infrared shot of a person when there is no wind chill, their body heat makes it look like their head is on fire.  The greater the wind chill, the less your head looks on fire, and the colder you feel.  (Maybe I should become a science teacher...)

Possibility #5.  The unwritten rule a wise man once shared with me about how, when someone starts a conversation with "One would think...," it is proper etiquette only to respond, "One would... one would."  

Something in a Dragon

Last spring I was invited by R^2 to join a book club that a girl we know was starting.  It seemed like all my friends in other cities were in at least one, so I jumped on the opportunity.  Informally, the initiator has taken on the roll of president of The Book Club that Shall Not Be Named, or so it has been called, and drives the organization by email.  We meet once every five or six weeks to talk about the book, drink lots, and pick our next read.  If you have not joined a b.c., I would highly recommend starting one for a few reasons, which are as follows:

1.  Meet new people!  If everyone brings a different friend, you get a random cross section of people you otherwise might not have found occasion to meet.  If you are invited through friends, you are likely dealing with some q.p. and lots of humorous new folks - I am always for broadening your laugh pool when possible.

2.  Incentive to read!  At the time The Book Club that Shall Not Be Named was formed, I was in a rut of only reading magazines and had not read a book in a long time.  But reading books is so fun and I do it now - at least once a month.

3.  Grow your personal library!  Unless you check each months' pick out from the library.  Which is the recession proof way to go about book clubbing.

4.  Booze and cheese are the personal pan pizzas of adulthood!  Only now you don't have to have your parents sign-off on your books to get Book It stickers because nobody cares if you finish, you still get to eat.

5.  You can say "yes" if people ask you if you belong to any clubs!  Like when my outplacement consultant asked me today.  "No" would have been such a depressing answer.

6.  Learn new things!  Book club conversations invariably turn to topics other than the content of the book.  I have learned some crazy things at The Book Club that Shall Not be Named.  Many of which I had not learned before because they are generally terrifying to see in print.  If you want a list, call me.  Oh also, you learn from the reading, obvi.

Our most recent book was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson.  At first I was just excited for this pick because - finally!  A book in a dragon!  (I always prefer the option in a dragon if there is one vs. not.)  As it turns out, the dragon is not too heavily involved, and it's not really about the girl much either.  Maybe she plays a bigger role in the next two of the trilogy.  But, since we didn't pick those for our next month's read, I'll probably never know.  

Up for next month - The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano.  Book report to follow.

Political Par-tay

I am generally trying to keep this puppy apolitical, and I think for the most part I've succeeded.  It's pretty well established that Blagojevich, T.O.T.s, and Gilmore Girls all transcend politics, and I would contend that the sexiness of our president elect does as well.  Even if you hate hope, you have to admit that he's a man and shit.  

In any event, I just learned our future fearless leader is considering one of the nation's 300 female neurosurgeons for his surgeon general.  This is extra cool from my perspective because she currently works at the same hospital where the P has already almost earned 3/8 of a medical degree.  I happen to know they also have the largest parking garage in all of Chicago.  If I had to guess, I'd say both are big factors in Obama's decision making.  If female Gail is in, maybe I can introduce myself as the P's sister when I run into her at the inauguration.  When I am there.  Because I am going to be.  G's madre just scored us tickets.  And guess what I don't have to worry about - taking the day off.  I wonder if I should bring my own confetti or if they provide it at the door.

Blah! Goy! Oh! Vich!

If there is anything funnier than what a dirtbag Illinois' govie is allegedly revealing himself to be, I can't think of it right now.  After staring at his face all day, I have finally realized why he looks familiar - I'm taking the liberty of speaking for most women when I say that's what we imagine we look like before running a comb through our hair and doing a little blush/mascara action in the morning (especially if we accidentally just cut bangs).  So for the last time - give us a minute! Then  reopen all of Illinois' parks and monuments and get a chevy.  Sheesh!

Oy, Hoy

The Today Show has had its share of embarrassing moments.  Mostly they can be chalked up to Meredith falling on her tookus in a segment she's not physically qualified for, or Al's joke being so unfunny your blood pressure starts to rise as you're thinking "Al, stop now, ok now, you're stopping now, right?"  Of course throw in the occasional Matt mocking a guest, and you've got yourself a solid three hours of morning news (I'm not counting the fake last hour).  But just when I thought I'd seen it all, Ann interviews Keanu Reeves this morning about (his upcoming smash hit) The Day the Earth Stood Still and I'm still blushing from the shamelessness of her flirting.  She wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise with all her compliments and blouse unbuttoning, nor could she sit still trying to get as close to him as possible.  Just when I was certain she would somehow end up in his lap, she prompted, then missed, a high five to end the interview.  Annie girl, I am two steps ahead of you on this one.  

OK Fine - maybe I was projecting.  She does say "I Love You" near the end, though.

Anthony Kiedis can only just be getting started

With our themed powder blue sweatshirts packed, some friends and I headed to the hills to visit our better fourth in LA last weekend.  If there is one city that would embrace some lovely ladies in matching track suits, we must have found it.  What a strange, awesome place!  Here are some highlights:

1.  B-List celebrities galore!  Alex Karev, Kim Kelly, and my favorite - that bitch Dawn Denbo - all close enough to see if we had anything in our teeth.  We even saw a couple of D-Listers, like the girl who (doesn't) work with Audrina, making me feel like something of a non-celebrity myself.

2.  Witnessing firemen poking at a corpse on Skid Row.  (Just kidding, ma!)

3.  75 degree weather in December.

4.  Being followed by a paparazzo for being in an SUV with tinted windows.  And upon his realizing the particular foursome he was following won't be famous for at least two more years, acknowledging and accepting the extreme disappointment we've been to a stranger.  (It had nothing to do with the sweatshirts, I promise.)

5.  Holiday cheer in many forms!  

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

After this weekend, I was able to reassess my stance on the number of odes to Los Angeles in the Red Hot Chili Peppers' oeuvre.  Knowing what I do now, I'd say Anthony Kiedis has an infinite amount of LA love ballads in his future.  What a magical, mystical place.  And the perfect place to kick-off the holiday season!  Los Feliz navidad, everyone!

Song Idea: Guy walks into his opthamologist's office

One of the highlights of being home for Thanksgiving was hearing the P outline the ways in which he differs from Jackson Brown.  Bowlcuts aside, it really came down to their thought processes when writing their hit songs.  (They both wrote down "Dr. My Eyes..." but only one of them crossed it out.)  Just when I thought I had beaten the humor out of his joke, I found this utter atrocity on youtube, earning the anecdote a blargh entry.  Hopefully this won't be as impossible to forget as I am predicting.

T.O.T.s, Interrupted

One of the first casualties of the tough economic times that really hit home with me was when Bennigan's went bankrupt last summer.  How can the creators of the ever-so-decadent Turkey O'Tooles not make a killing in every mall, strip mall, and Quality Inn and Suites parking lot in America?!  I guess there was a reason they were the only restaurant chain still offering unlimited soda refills.

While I was still in mourning that I would never experience the pretzel roll/turkey/honey mustard combo again, the P told me his friend's dad works as a restaurant closer and participated in the beheading of the chain.  I guess when restaurants are going to be closed, their employees aren't told ahead of time - professionals come in and shut it down after hours to prevent looting.   Learning this tacked two weeks onto my mourning period, as I really felt for the employees who lost their dream jobs and employee meals that night.  

Timing wise, that brought me up exactly to last Wednesday, when I found out that independently owned Bennigan's franchises are still open!  And there is one in Ft. Madison!!  A Turkey O'Toole was in my future!!!  Flash to noon today - braving treacherously icy roads, I dragged my unsuspecting companions to the nearby Bennigan's.  Upon ordering, I was told they were out of pretzel rolls and had been for three days.  Big Oy.  Reluctantly, I choked down a makeshift T.O.T. on a whole wheat sesame seed bun.  It felt like a sick joke, but finally, I understood.  Nothing is forever.  Not favorite menu items, not untouchable franchises, and especially not the drive and determination to bring patrons the quality, high fat sandwiches that once made them so loyal.  

Added to my list of possible career paths today:  Restaurant closer

Checked off my list of possible career paths today:  Sandwich artist