Ted Theo

This is my mom's corgi and my favorite photo of 2008, even if it didn't make the Today Show finals.  Just check out those gluts.  Plus, this little guy can solve any of your puzzle piece disappearance needs in under two seconds. What's not to love??

The only time it's appropriate to pull out your camera in a public restroom

In just another example of how fat cats are affecting america's (or at least my) buzz these days, I went to the bathroom at Boss Tweed's the other night and found the sink in the loo to be too, too rich.  As you can see, even the duct tape has had enough.  One errant sneeze and rusty water was bound to shoot straight at my crotch.  After laughing alone in the bathroom for ten minutes, I managed to steady my hand long enough to snap a shot.  

Not fiction

Some of the things said in my proximity while home for Christmas could only have been meant to be repeated.  For example, my brother Ben coined the phrase "Huh" years ago, and made excellent use of it over the holidays.   Per Ben, there are two main translations.  The first would be "I have heard what you just said and am acknowledging it, and though I have nothing to say to you currently, I may have a response or comment at a later date."  The second translation is, when pronounced with a slightly different intonation, "I do not wish to engage in the conversation which you have just initiated."  This version has proven VERY useful.

Some other things I heard below.

At a bar on Christmas eve -

Person 1 to E^!&:  How's life?

E^!& to group:  Oh, really pretty terrible.

Person 1:  (Confused, as that's not the right answer.) Oh no.  Why's that?

E^!&:  Well, you know Mr. X died?

Person 1:  Yes, it's so sad.

E^!&:  (Completely serious)  Yeah.  Well.  Now I have to pick up all his leftover work.

(Group stares, all jaws dropped.)

Person 2:  Merry Christmas E^!&...  Merry Christmas E^!&... (continues repeating until E^!& gets the hint and walks away.)

At a party another night - 

Party Person:  Hey!  Have you guys ever heard of a group, I think they're called the Gibbs Brothers?

Later that night, Party Person's father approaches me.

Me:  Oh, hello.

Person's father:  (Through his mustache)  I didn't think (my daughter)'s friends would end up so attractive.

Me:  (Kicking myself for not asking him to speak into the carnation!)  Huh.

What I will not be doing to get a job

The minute you lose your job, people come out of the woodwork to give you their really good advice, which is to join Linked in, or whatever the hell that thing is.  If I had to make a list of the things I will not be doing to get a job, it would begin and end with joining Linked in.  A complete lunatic I once knew is on Linked in, and I heard her interim career was listed as President and CEO of the Human Foundation.  And FYI, she isn't funny.  Wasn't that what George Costanza didn't donate money to?  Which reminds me, happy Festivus, everyone!

Missing Dagger, Lightly Used

For the second year in a row, the P and my mas and I went shopping for yuletide cheer yesterday at the world's best gas station near the outlet mall in the Amana Colonies.  Amongst other earthly delights, one could score all the canned beef, dandelion wine, and rhubarb jam one could want at this BP.  We settled for some Iowa Pale Ale, cheese curds, and rye bread, but if you ever find yourself crossing Iowa on I-80, stop there, as the Amish really know their Piestengle.  

(Note!  Don't be lured in by all the flashy lights and billboards and end up at the Jamboree truckstop in Walcott instead - the Williamsburg BP is way better.)

On our way there, we saw a truck pulled over on the highway with a huge hole in the windshield and the driver slumped over the steering wheel.  There was a passenger very calmly just sitting there, and a state trooper behind them calling for reinforcements.  This mystery only four months after the three of us witnessed a bloody shirtless guy with a dagger  walking down Sunnyside Ave.  Fortunately, in both cases it would seem nobody was hurt seriously (sometimes a guy just wants to slump/ wander about bloodied, knife in hand).  We just happened to come across these incidents at their most mystifying moments.  I have to say, with the exception of a gentleman named Science getting shot on rollerskates in front of a school bus full of children last year (from the sounds of it, he had it coming), all the excitement is happening west of Big Muddy. 

For those with Christmas shopping left who can't make it to the nearest Amish gas station, there is still a lightly used dagger in the grass off Sunnyside somewhere, barely covered in snow.

Razin'

I just heard the most morbid, wisest thing that anyone walking a razor scooter will ever say, and that is this: "When I am in heaven, I can't wait to see the dinosaurs!"    (Yes, he was four.  And yes, I'm sadly aware sharing this makes me equal parts Bill Cosby and the person who repeats things they hear on the bus.)  Flism flasm?

One would think this needs a subject

Blogging is not always easy, especially when you have a.d.d. - which I must.  It seems impossible to settle on a route for today's posting right now.  Instead, I'll just tell you what was in the running.

Possibility #1.  The Wilco and Neil Young concert that G and I went to see last night.  There were lots of characters to report on.  Plus, I thought about letting you in on how the only incentive I've found in the last month and a half to get a job is having wanted better seats last night (it's not like I haven't realized homelessness is a real possibility, either).  I also always thinks it's appropriate to tell my go to Wilco anecdote about the Nashville roadtrip when Via Chicago was up next and I dedicated it to Lederman (what with her being from Chicago) totally having forgotten how the first line goes.  

Possibility #2.  Wayne's World vs. Wayne's World 2.  I would have won you over with my Wayne's World preference debating skills, carefully reminding you why Keith Richards cannot be killed by conventional weapons.  In the end, we all would have agreed it was a trifle unnecessary to see the crack in the Indian's bottom, but 2 still would have won.  I could have also tied it into last night's concert because a guy across the aisle was into giving Neil the "we're not worthy" bow every now and then.

Possiblity #3.  Funny things people have sent me links to, like this, that, here, and what.  And, holy cow, Bob Bob just sent this.

Possibility #4.  What I heard on the weather channel about how wind chill is calculated.  The weather guy said that if you look at an infrared shot of a person when there is no wind chill, their body heat makes it look like their head is on fire.  The greater the wind chill, the less your head looks on fire, and the colder you feel.  (Maybe I should become a science teacher...)

Possibility #5.  The unwritten rule a wise man once shared with me about how, when someone starts a conversation with "One would think...," it is proper etiquette only to respond, "One would... one would."